Sabotage Instinct

High performers rarely fail due to a lack of skill. They trip over the habits that once made them successful. This guide highlights eight common self-sabotage patterns — and how to turn each into a moment of self-leadership.

1. The Need to Be Right → Practice Curiosity Over Certainty

Sabotage: You turn dialogue into debate. Collaboration dies, learning stalls.

Coaching Cue: “What might I be missing here?”

Shift from proving to improving. Trade being right for getting it right.

2. The Urge to Control → Foster Shared Accountability

Sabotage: You grip outcomes too tightly, eroding trust and ownership.

Coaching Cue: “What agreements would help us both feel confident?”

Define the “what,” let others own the “how.” Leadership expands when control relaxes.

3. Unfiltered Expression → Communicate with Care

Sabotage: You confuse honesty with emotional dumping. Timing and tone vanish.

Coaching Cue: “Is this the right time, place, and tone for what I need to say?”

Deliver truth shaped for connection, not catharsis.

4. Retaliation or Passive-Aggression → Set Boundaries with Compassion

Sabotage: You punish instead of communicate. The issue stays underground.

Coaching Cue: “That didn’t work for me — can we talk about what will?”

Boundaries are not punishment; they’re clarity in action.

5. Withdrawal & Disengagement → Stay Grounded and Present

Sabotage: You disappear when things get uncomfortable. Progress freezes.

Coaching Cue: “I feel the urge to step back — what would staying look like instead?”

Presence is power. Even naming discomfort keeps you connected.

6. Perfectionism & Overperformance → Embrace Progress, Not Perfection

Sabotage: You chase flawless execution, feeding burnout and fear.

Coaching Cue: “What does ‘good enough for now’ look like?”

Perfection is paralysis in disguise. Progress compounds faster.

7. Self-Contempt & Shrinking → Practice Worthiness and Self-Compassion

Sabotage: You pull back before success, convinced you’ll fail anyway.

Coaching Cue: “If I believed I was enough, what would I try next?”

Replace the inner critic with an inner coach. Confidence follows kindness.

8. Power as Protection → Lead with Vulnerability and Integrity

Sabotage: You dominate or control to feel safe. Influence turns into intimidation.

Coaching Cue: “What truth am I protecting myself from?”

Real authority comes from being real — not from overpowering others.

The Leadership Shift

Final Reflection Prompt

“When do I reach for control, perfection, or withdrawal — and what’s the wiser move in that moment?”